We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?