I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
