there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried