Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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