They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
At least make sure they are 18
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.