so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
