Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.