You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
