I just found a bag of teeth...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."