So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i think i have two assholes
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
