we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
I told him it was alright.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?