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marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i would punch a child for taco bell
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
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