she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.