Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
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i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I can get orange kush...
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one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.