Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
