ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
