Moan for me like Helen Keller
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"