it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites