Texts From Last Night

Ms_Aimee00's Favorites Texts:

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  (406): View more from Montana

  Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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  (406): Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving http://tfl.nu/p7rm
  Replies (18) Good night (1963) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."

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  (215): i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight." http://tfl.nu/7mfw
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

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  (702): Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision http://tfl.nu/1pgb
  Replies (21) Good night (4548) Bad night (516)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?

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  (410): There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him? http://tfl.nu/lo67
  Replies (20) Good night (560) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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  (505): It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm. http://tfl.nu/vdhu
  Replies (15) Good night (4645) Bad night (522)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.

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  (614): I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose. http://tfl.nu/hj91
  Replies (23) Good night (729) Bad night (1878)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs

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  (217): his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs http://tfl.nu/kqhn
  Replies (7) Good night (1481) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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  (619): Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by... http://tfl.nu/g8gw
  Replies (9) Good night (3552) Bad night (573)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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  (904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded http://tfl.nu/240k
  Replies (9) Good night (5198) Bad night (558) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.

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  (+44): I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it. http://tfl.nu/xxfg
  Replies (3) Good night (2043) Bad night (399)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

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  (203): Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend. http://tfl.nu/ouub
  Replies (14) Good night (2297) Bad night (768)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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  (847): Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding http://tfl.nu/svxp
  Replies (15) Good night (4655) Bad night (821)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

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  (214): I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me http://tfl.nu/sx3p
  Replies (9) Good night (1359) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

  (+04): View more from

  Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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  (314): CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED (+04): Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you. http://tfl.nu/xp3j
  Replies (9) Good night (2323) Bad night (571)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

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  (214): Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time. http://tfl.nu/18ab
  Replies (19) Good night (2225) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?

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  (503): So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt? http://tfl.nu/w4he
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's

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  (774): the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's http://tfl.nu/a401
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

  (206): View more from Washington

  Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

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  (253): Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex (206): Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy http://tfl.nu/0aky
  Replies (16) Good night (2491) Bad night (745)
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  (707): View more from California

  She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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  (707): She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place. http://tfl.nu/aqji
  Replies (9) Good night (5348) Bad night (821) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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  (513): This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last. http://tfl.nu/vgx8
  Replies (8) Good night (3212) Bad night (667)
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect

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  (224): Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect http://tfl.nu/i76x
  Replies (3) Good night (1443) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.

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  (727): Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen. http://tfl.nu/2lhp
  Replies (5) Good night (1941) Bad night (626) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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  (352): I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND http://tfl.nu/oakz
  Replies (32) Good night (1579) Bad night (3336) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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  (443): Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him http://tfl.nu/oz4m
  Replies (7) Good night (2573) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.

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  (832): He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex. http://tfl.nu/fne7
  Replies (11) Good night (2076) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...

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  (817): So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals... http://tfl.nu/dkvo
  Replies (13) Good night (2096) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.

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  (307): i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl. http://tfl.nu/csya
  Replies (15) Good night (2851) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.

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  (931): I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s. http://tfl.nu/244n
  Replies (12) Good night (2835) Bad night (804) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  I booty called her while she was in labor.

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  (785): I booty called her while she was in labor. http://tfl.nu/82pd
  Replies (19) Good night (1112) Bad night (5910) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.

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  (208): i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful. http://tfl.nu/r6g5
  Replies (3) Good night (449) Bad night (1762) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.

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  (902): Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog. http://tfl.nu/wgn2
  Replies (5) Good night (1950) Bad night (836) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"

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  (520): They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield" http://tfl.nu/wdyt
  Replies (8) Good night (2839) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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  (575): I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE http://tfl.nu/fcs3
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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  (404): Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant". http://tfl.nu/1jgx
  Replies (9) Good night (1212) Bad night (2655) Order T-Shirt
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive

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  (819): there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive http://tfl.nu/f5fj
  Replies (3) Good night (2509) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.

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  (937): she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks. http://tfl.nu/kgtb
  Replies (12) Good night (2859) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.

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  (804): French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops. http://tfl.nu/0hfd
  Replies (5) Good night (2008) Bad night (568)
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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  (416): I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin http://tfl.nu/wbk6
  Replies (12) Good night (4421) Bad night (793) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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  (412): I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms http://tfl.nu/sbef
  Replies (18) Good night (3692) Bad night (1021) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.

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  (678): All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know. http://tfl.nu/jvfd
  Replies (6) Good night (1143) Bad night (872)
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.

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  (601): So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment. http://tfl.nu/ledy
  Replies (6) Good night (2772) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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  (573): You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now. http://tfl.nu/pagz
  Replies (7) Good night (3930) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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  (845): Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me http://tfl.nu/lgfh
  Replies (9) Good night (3044) Bad night (769)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter

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  (732): he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter http://tfl.nu/lu6b
  Replies (5) Good night (774) Bad night (1908) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.

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  (832): I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water. http://tfl.nu/tyil
  Replies (6) Good night (1411) Bad night (1146) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
  Replies (20) Good night (5454) Bad night (1157)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.

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  (713): On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day. http://tfl.nu/dyk5
  Replies (11) Good night (927) Bad night (1608)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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  (740): He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work" http://tfl.nu/lj9u
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.

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  (803): I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something. http://tfl.nu/acd6
  Replies (4) Good night (1396) Bad night (688) Order T-Shirt
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call

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  (830): I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call http://tfl.nu/cgsl
  Replies (12) Good night (813) Bad night (2370) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.

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  (403): Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good. http://tfl.nu/eqb8
  Replies (10) Good night (3132) Bad night (708)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.

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  (517): After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders. http://tfl.nu/u1xt
  Replies (19) Good night (2902) Bad night (677)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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  (703): I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform. http://tfl.nu/4ptq
  Replies (8) Good night (3353) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
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  (435): View more from Utah

  When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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  (435): When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics http://tfl.nu/17q6
  Replies (13) Good night (3687) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds

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  (306): He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds http://tfl.nu/ogvx
  Replies (6) Good night (2217) Bad night (879) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.

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  (859): I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there. http://tfl.nu/fp94
  Replies (6) Good night (1992) Bad night (613) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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  (613): I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.." http://tfl.nu/n3mo
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.

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  (708): You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit. http://tfl.nu/hyfu
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.

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  (770): We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere. http://tfl.nu/s422
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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  (610): Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?! http://tfl.nu/1su6
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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  (706): I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant. http://tfl.nu/0cvw
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