oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.