some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
