Texts From Last Night

EverAfter58's Favorites Texts:

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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
  Replies (94) Good night (19353) Bad night (1409)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
  Replies (76) Good night (15585) Bad night (1515)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
  Replies (56) Good night (7656) Bad night (2157)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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  (336): While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus. http://tfl.nu/10to
  Replies (16) Good night (5140) Bad night (838)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  bl l w

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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  (908): bl l w (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel. http://tfl.nu/4an5
  Replies (63) Good night (7935) Bad night (394)
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  so you made the shocked face and they caught you.

  (571): View more from Virginia

  yup.

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  (571): i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise. (570): so you made the shocked face and they caught you. (571): yup. http://tfl.nu/1dzq
  Replies (19) Good night (1098) Bad night (4962)
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

  (1-940): View more from Texas

  you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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  (940): I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl (1-940): you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent. http://tfl.nu/wzvk
  Replies (47) Good night (1978) Bad night (5773)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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  (810): She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance. http://tfl.nu/vgvp
  Replies (68) Good night (8600) Bad night (566)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (13668) Bad night (3306) Order T-Shirt
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  (253): View more from Washington

  dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool

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  (253): dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool http://tfl.nu/jdq1
  Replies (5) Good night (333) Bad night (2445) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So you're taking me there this weekend?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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  (508): Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu (781): So you're taking me there this weekend? (508): oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food. http://tfl.nu/y6ju
  Replies (35) Good night (7040) Bad night (674)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (292) Good night (69179) Bad night (1982) Order T-Shirt
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  (858): View more from California

  Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.

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  (858): Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them. http://tfl.nu/9mrx
  Replies (22) Good night (5876) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

  (1-510): View more from California

  It was probably Jesus.

  (510): View more from California

  I feel like he would have left a message.

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  (510): I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number. (1-510): It was probably Jesus. (510): I feel like he would have left a message. http://tfl.nu/w24x
  Replies (36) Good night (4004) Bad night (358)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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  (713): Hope the move went well! I'll miss you! (832): you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there. http://tfl.nu/n7dn
  Replies (21) Good night (1061) Bad night (1091)
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  (813): View more from Florida

  God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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  (813): God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket. http://tfl.nu/pclq
  Replies (13) Good night (5529) Bad night (746) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Toronto

  No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags

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  (905): No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags http://tfl.nu/jbrv
  Replies (24) Good night (1318) Bad night (3694) Order T-Shirt
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  (+26): View more from

  Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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  (+26): Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY http://tfl.nu/9qwj
  Replies (30) Good night (6633) Bad night (2009) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

  (415): View more from California

  What...you let him do that?

  (650): View more from California

  It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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  (650): so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow. (415): What...you let him do that? (650): It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow http://tfl.nu/aum0
  Replies (72) Good night (5149) Bad night (511)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!

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  (248): SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH! http://tfl.nu/111h
  Replies (66) Good night (899) Bad night (16391) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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  (917): she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could. http://tfl.nu/cj4q
  Replies (74) Good night (3543) Bad night (17367) Order T-Shirt
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!

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  (502): Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!! http://tfl.nu/qcph
  Replies (42) Good night (758) Bad night (19539)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

  (425): View more from Washington

  There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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  (206): I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole (425): There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian http://tfl.nu/pttl
  Replies (97) Good night (1885) Bad night (22881)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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  (603): not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her http://tfl.nu/t8zc
  Replies (90) Good night (2082) Bad night (22162) Order T-Shirt
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  (323): View more from California

  You got in a fight last night?

  (818): View more from California

  Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

  (323): View more from California

  Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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  (323): You got in a fight last night? (818): Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since. (323): Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you? http://tfl.nu/hf09
  Replies (128) Good night (7628) Bad night (22862)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

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  (908): her vagina looked like a handful of raisins. http://tfl.nu/5whx
  Replies (91) Good night (947) Bad night (23448) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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  (843): got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired http://tfl.nu/eibd
  Replies (80) Good night (2120) Bad night (34012)
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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  (306): So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation". http://tfl.nu/h2mq
  Replies (83) Good night (2825) Bad night (37929) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
  Replies (156) Good night (6142) Bad night (39422)
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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  (785): last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator. http://tfl.nu/ifrq
  Replies (18) Good night (7176) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.

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  (717): please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are. http://tfl.nu/a3si
  Replies (10) Good night (1043) Bad night (3457)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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  (773): Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys. http://tfl.nu/g51j
  Replies (39) Good night (3586) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.

  (1-503): View more from Oregon

  That's not a bad idea, actually...

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  (503): 24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online. (1-503): That's not a bad idea, actually... http://tfl.nu/oxdt
  Replies (19) Good night (3680) Bad night (430)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.

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  (920): You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now. http://tfl.nu/yhp5
  Replies (26) Good night (974) Bad night (6557) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.

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  (949): I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads. http://tfl.nu/gq0b
  Replies (24) Good night (5014) Bad night (464) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I pooped in a mop bucket.

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  WTF???

  (512): View more from Texas

  Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

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  (512): I pooped in a mop bucket. (1-512): WTF??? (512): Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that http://tfl.nu/ww1k
  Replies (12) Good night (771) Bad night (339)
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  (650): View more from California

  some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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  (650): some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel! http://tfl.nu/ztnc
  Replies (49) Good night (1055) Bad night (4559) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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  (732): I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it. http://tfl.nu/eqvw
  Replies (66) Good night (1456) Bad night (3523) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick

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  (831): No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick http://tfl.nu/r1nb
  Replies (37) Good night (1219) Bad night (7434) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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  (310): So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes http://tfl.nu/3hm9
  Replies (49) Good night (8568) Bad night (835) Order T-Shirt
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?

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  (704): the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer? http://tfl.nu/buzt
  Replies (9) Good night (403) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

  (540): View more from Virginia

  awesome babe! drinks tonight!

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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  (703): Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :) (540): awesome babe! drinks tonight! (703): Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck. http://tfl.nu/zccd
  Replies (12) Good night (361) Bad night (2521)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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  (402): I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card. http://tfl.nu/3ttc
  Replies (39) Good night (1207) Bad night (4562) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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  (206): Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking. http://tfl.nu/kuj0
  Replies (11) Good night (643) Bad night (3893)