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OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
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