It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?
Cause it just destroys penises
Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.