Texts From Last Night

Achlies's Favorites Texts:

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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.

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  (816): It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain. http://tfl.nu/o28o
  Replies (1) Good night (1204) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.

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  (724): I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do. http://tfl.nu/rr6r
  Replies (20) Good night (1073) Bad night (1962) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

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  (623): My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here. http://tfl.nu/yssz
  Replies (20) Good night (3806) Bad night (1001) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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  (361): After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge. http://tfl.nu/26oy
  Replies (14) Good night (4823) Bad night (1129) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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  (913): You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals. http://tfl.nu/ise6
  Replies (9) Good night (4263) Bad night (1030) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night

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  (760): my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night http://tfl.nu/6buy
  Replies (4) Good night (2388) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

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  (443): the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this. http://tfl.nu/g4cn
  Replies (8) Good night (4505) Bad night (1675) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

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  (413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone. http://tfl.nu/9w3d
  Replies (8) Good night (3633) Bad night (673) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
  Replies (50) Good night (19644) Bad night (1993) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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  (615): If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen? http://tfl.nu/ze7l
  Replies (9) Good night (4347) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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  (412): This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun. http://tfl.nu/9a4x
  Replies (10) Good night (1278) Bad night (3529) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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  (954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y
  Replies (12) Good night (4972) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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  (336): Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep? http://tfl.nu/earn
  Replies (9) Good night (3463) Bad night (1187) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.

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  (907): I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized. http://tfl.nu/0yaa
  Replies (12) Good night (3490) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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  (617): I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits. http://tfl.nu/9n54
  Replies (10) Good night (1375) Bad night (3384) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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  (503): Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general. http://tfl.nu/8yi1
  Replies (9) Good night (4732) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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  (206): I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/v4ue
  Replies (10) Good night (4202) Bad night (998)
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Just the budget?

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  (515): I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget... (316): Just the budget? http://tfl.nu/v45e
  Replies (4) Good night (4322) Bad night (853)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
  Replies (15) Good night (1590) Bad night (4162)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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  (706): This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules. http://tfl.nu/2gj5
  Replies (16) Good night (6287) Bad night (851)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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  (336): This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level. http://tfl.nu/cqt6
  Replies (12) Good night (4047) Bad night (1108) Order T-Shirt
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable

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  (506): She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable http://tfl.nu/lnzm
  Replies (8) Good night (1188) Bad night (3220) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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  (516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz
  Replies (34) Good night (7764) Bad night (1626) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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  (601): There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis. http://tfl.nu/xpx8
  Replies (9) Good night (1515) Bad night (4578) Order T-Shirt
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  So you had sex with my brother?

  (1-520): View more from Arizona

  It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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  (520): So you had sex with my brother? (1-520): It sounds like you dont need me to answer that. http://tfl.nu/xsv7
  Replies (8) Good night (5507) Bad night (1091) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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  (202): on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing. http://tfl.nu/q9c2
  Replies (22) Good night (6014) Bad night (1220) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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  (732): My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore http://tfl.nu/2pmj
  Replies (38) Good night (5071) Bad night (1448) Order T-Shirt
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  (980): View more from North Carolina

  You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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  (980): You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls. http://tfl.nu/1jxr
  Replies (12) Good night (1861) Bad night (3006) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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  (224): so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now. http://tfl.nu/4hn1
  Replies (33) Good night (12555) Bad night (1309)
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  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  And you didn't burst into flames?

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  (339): He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church. (1-203): And you didn't burst into flames? http://tfl.nu/aa0l
  Replies (14) Good night (5193) Bad night (913) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.

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  (774): According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth. http://tfl.nu/1yfv
  Replies (16) Good night (2749) Bad night (2608) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.

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  (617): it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina. http://tfl.nu/7xv1
  Replies (14) Good night (1153) Bad night (4214) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.

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  (918): no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh. http://tfl.nu/6iss
  Replies (10) Good night (846) Bad night (3703) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.

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  (860): I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage. http://tfl.nu/q50p
  Replies (17) Good night (4234) Bad night (1816) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.

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  (508): I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me. http://tfl.nu/i71i
  Replies (13) Good night (967) Bad night (4526) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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  (919): Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool (252): Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five http://tfl.nu/6bci
  Replies (13) Good night (6131) Bad night (793)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

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  (413): My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace http://tfl.nu/tutd
  Replies (10) Good night (1414) Bad night (4263) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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  (773): I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit http://tfl.nu/6wkt
  Replies (12) Good night (9454) Bad night (916) Order T-Shirt
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  this study room smells like vodka

  (310): View more from California

  the study room thinks the same about you

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  (573): this study room smells like vodka (310): the study room thinks the same about you http://tfl.nu/w62g
  Replies (16) Good night (6133) Bad night (848)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.

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  (248): Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here. http://tfl.nu/bwbb
  Replies (11) Good night (7629) Bad night (1213) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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  (216): She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it. http://tfl.nu/064r
  Replies (13) Good night (6255) Bad night (991) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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  (609): Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand. http://tfl.nu/nkg8
  Replies (44) Good night (15573) Bad night (1477) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
  Replies (29) Good night (8873) Bad night (912)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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  (973): I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung. http://tfl.nu/lg9m
  Replies (18) Good night (4989) Bad night (767) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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  (803): Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation? http://tfl.nu/0dba
  Replies (15) Good night (4793) Bad night (1656) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

  (702): View more from Nevada

  not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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  (361): is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time? (702): not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning http://tfl.nu/nxoz
  Replies (23) Good night (2536) Bad night (4212)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

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  (603): I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot. http://tfl.nu/xny3
  Replies (35) Good night (5384) Bad night (1379) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.

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  (937): I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/skfa
  Replies (8) Good night (3736) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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  (870): I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership. http://tfl.nu/f8ej
  Replies (50) Good night (6490) Bad night (1296) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.

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  (602): no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself. http://tfl.nu/5qf3
  Replies (2) Good night (744) Bad night (3671) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.

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  (224): bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh. http://tfl.nu/hyh0
  Replies (5) Good night (4203) Bad night (534) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped

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  (760): i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped http://tfl.nu/yuxq
  Replies (54) Good night (3401) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.

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  (619): I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe. http://tfl.nu/jto0
  Replies (24) Good night (4163) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

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  (707): My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do. http://tfl.nu/vxoj
  Replies (16) Good night (3174) Bad night (428) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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  (207): using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code. http://tfl.nu/hjm4
  Replies (26) Good night (4182) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.

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  (214): There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence. http://tfl.nu/c80w
  Replies (52) Good night (3981) Bad night (594)
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Cause it just destroys penises

  (586): View more from Michigan

  Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore

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  (586): Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex? (586): Cause it just destroys penises (586): Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore http://tfl.nu/7ohb
  Replies (11) Good night (824) Bad night (931)