Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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