I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.