The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
No subtext here. People are naked.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.