New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
