She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."