I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?