My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.