I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
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I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
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He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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