Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Randomize
