Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
she told me i tasted like america
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america