no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.