I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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