My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"