She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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