I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
You smell like stripper and shame
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"