The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti