Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on