Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.