And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
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I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up