Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i would punch a child for taco bell
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She bit a glass in half.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell