Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...