in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake