I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
