We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.