Texts From Last Night

Fundatory's Favorites Texts:

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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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  (318): We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed.. http://tfl.nu/orkv
  Replies (3) Good night (3910) Bad night (968) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person

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  (817): My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person http://tfl.nu/r4rm
  Replies (3) Good night (1151) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
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  (408): View more from California

  You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque

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  (408): You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque http://tfl.nu/3p7y
  Replies (3) Good night (504) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Formal letter or email.

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  (647): How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks? (416): Formal letter or email. http://tfl.nu/qlv5
  Replies (4) Good night (1095) Bad night (267)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"

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  (908): When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!" http://tfl.nu/ui55
  Replies (4) Good night (1135) Bad night (234) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.

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  (931): Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close. http://tfl.nu/0xt0
  Replies (3) Good night (691) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (655): View more from

  Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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  (655): Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall? http://tfl.nu/cvrt
  Replies (12) Good night (1628) Bad night (231) Order T-Shirt
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.

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  (434): I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories. http://tfl.nu/op72
  Replies (6) Good night (1884) Bad night (227)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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  (705): He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on. http://tfl.nu/2ncf
  Replies (9) Good night (2785) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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  (254): I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits. http://tfl.nu/syex
  Replies (10) Good night (948) Bad night (244) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll be there in a few.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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  (814): I'll be there in a few. (717): I'M COUNTING TO FEW. http://tfl.nu/nvfq
  Replies (5) Good night (832) Bad night (156)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."

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  (304): Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me." http://tfl.nu/56ma
  Replies (2) Good night (677) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.

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  (765): He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame. http://tfl.nu/5bwq
  Replies (5) Good night (3279) Bad night (778) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

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  (678): You is good. You is important. You is a slut. http://tfl.nu/0cr6
  Replies (8) Good night (1357) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.

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  (815): After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin. http://tfl.nu/me1g
  Replies (3) Good night (845) Bad night (357) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me

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  (413): Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me http://tfl.nu/3euu
  Replies (7) Good night (399) Bad night (915) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried

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  (540): Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried http://tfl.nu/qg5l
  Replies (2) Good night (673) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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  (214): Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more. http://tfl.nu/1w8z
  Replies (18) Good night (5329) Bad night (817) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
  Replies (19) Good night (3696) Bad night (1321) Order T-Shirt
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  (979): View more from Texas

  A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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  (979): A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dqlo
  Replies (12) Good night (790) Bad night (1646) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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  (720): i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out. http://tfl.nu/xm4r
  Replies (13) Good night (3637) Bad night (1152) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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  (919): I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep. http://tfl.nu/o9nw
  Replies (12) Good night (2313) Bad night (1259)
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.

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  (985): I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on. http://tfl.nu/xcia
  Replies (11) Good night (374) Bad night (1703) Order T-Shirt
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  (209): View more from California

  We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.

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  (209): We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela. http://tfl.nu/h3z9
  Replies (3) Good night (731) Bad night (233) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."

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  (605): You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times." http://tfl.nu/zubu
  Replies (6) Good night (2411) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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  (+44): I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye. http://tfl.nu/9vv3
  Replies (5) Good night (1330) Bad night (1701)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

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  (+44): We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands. http://tfl.nu/fk2d
  Replies (3) Good night (1673) Bad night (299)
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  (315): View more from New York

  WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.

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  (315): WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF. http://tfl.nu/3w9f
  Replies (12) Good night (1336) Bad night (236) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.

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  (978): She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch. http://tfl.nu/wlr1
  Replies (6) Good night (545) Bad night (1867) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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  (217): I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos. http://tfl.nu/dg53
  Replies (10) Good night (3141) Bad night (1229) Order T-Shirt
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.

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  (901): Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking. http://tfl.nu/5z7b
  Replies (11) Good night (1201) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks

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  (218): If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks http://tfl.nu/wfaf
  Replies (6) Good night (1421) Bad night (580)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

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  (603): Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die. http://tfl.nu/bcpb
  Replies (4) Good night (536) Bad night (2041) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.

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  (773): Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather. http://tfl.nu/isyp
  Replies (10) Good night (1626) Bad night (515) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music

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  (206): And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music http://tfl.nu/tzqo
  Replies (7) Good night (2695) Bad night (1161) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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  (713): Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon. http://tfl.nu/r8yq
  Replies (4) Good night (1163) Bad night (294) Order T-Shirt
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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  (307): Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex. http://tfl.nu/mrat
  Replies (7) Good night (1636) Bad night (309)
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.

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  (540): He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room. http://tfl.nu/7y89
  Replies (3) Good night (1371) Bad night (223) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"

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  (701): You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to" http://tfl.nu/m0ec
  Replies (0) Good night (1147) Bad night (254) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.

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  (479): There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell. http://tfl.nu/h1ye
  Replies (4) Good night (675) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (779): View more from Illinois

  He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.

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  (779): He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud. http://tfl.nu/emwq
  Replies (3) Good night (812) Bad night (180) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Let me tell you the story of bicurious george

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  (508): Let me tell you the story of bicurious george http://tfl.nu/xwje
  Replies (7) Good night (1285) Bad night (400) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  8===D

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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  (412): 8===D (412): That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me. http://tfl.nu/yh0b
  Replies (12) Good night (1721) Bad night (273)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs

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  (507): You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me (815): I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs http://tfl.nu/bc51
  Replies (2) Good night (1782) Bad night (263)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.

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  (231): You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes. http://tfl.nu/m034
  Replies (3) Good night (1697) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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  (778): DOWN HORMONES. BACK. http://tfl.nu/nnqc
  Replies (4) Good night (1317) Bad night (422) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant

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  (407): It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant http://tfl.nu/td2c
  Replies (9) Good night (293) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

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  (517): I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed. http://tfl.nu/94v6
  Replies (10) Good night (5580) Bad night (873) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER

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  (678): We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER http://tfl.nu/fxy8
  Replies (7) Good night (2295) Bad night (610) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.

  (650): View more from California

  And so far nothing been broken!

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  (650): We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum. (650): And so far nothing been broken! http://tfl.nu/0yij
  Replies (4) Good night (2182) Bad night (300)
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests

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  (857): Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests http://tfl.nu/5mbt
  Replies (9) Good night (1393) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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  (859): When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs" http://tfl.nu/jaco
  Replies (6) Good night (2745) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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  (985): My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day. http://tfl.nu/xzll
  Replies (26) Good night (5047) Bad night (2203) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

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  (530): red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song. http://tfl.nu/0nv8
  Replies (10) Good night (1890) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

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  (610): You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j615
  Replies (4) Good night (973) Bad night (2018)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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  (937): Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work. http://tfl.nu/wxxj
  Replies (13) Good night (2804) Bad night (390)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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  (502): Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat. http://tfl.nu/hdie
  Replies (16) Good night (5598) Bad night (1139) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.

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  (248): He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall. http://tfl.nu/m004
  Replies (10) Good night (2171) Bad night (782) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow

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  (859): The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow http://tfl.nu/bjeb
  Replies (5) Good night (1737) Bad night (355) Order T-Shirt
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.

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  (985): I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic. http://tfl.nu/92jk
  Replies (2) Good night (554) Bad night (486) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.

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  (+44): Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am. http://tfl.nu/fqfm
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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  (606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls. http://tfl.nu/ni37
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars

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  (608): The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars http://tfl.nu/t0d7
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

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  Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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  (314): CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED (+04): Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you. http://tfl.nu/xp3j
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.

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  (985): I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud. http://tfl.nu/94cv
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