Texts From Last Night

Can_Be_Logic's Favorites Texts:

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  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
  Replies (10) Good night (2081) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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  (614): telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though. http://tfl.nu/tou6
  Replies (10) Good night (1573) Bad night (329)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.

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  (615): How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long. http://tfl.nu/h6mm
  Replies (16) Good night (1052) Bad night (308)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.

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  (864): I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide. http://tfl.nu/p1xg
  Replies (7) Good night (827) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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  (386): I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount." http://tfl.nu/nxe2
  Replies (5) Good night (2528) Bad night (249)
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  (818): View more from California

  You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.

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  (818): You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar. http://tfl.nu/wmr3
  Replies (8) Good night (715) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

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  (540): You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you. http://tfl.nu/4u5p
  Replies (6) Good night (1778) Bad night (390) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  "But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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  (210): "But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!! http://tfl.nu/6byh
  Replies (3) Good night (1321) Bad night (264) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

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  (601): You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass. http://tfl.nu/96n6
  Replies (7) Good night (2115) Bad night (292)
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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  (618): I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays. http://tfl.nu/7cee
  Replies (2) Good night (3276) Bad night (362) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  I thought I could.

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  (623): You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!' (1-623): I thought I could. http://tfl.nu/l4oh
  Replies (4) Good night (2889) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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  (828): Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state. http://tfl.nu/9dzb
  Replies (6) Good night (2516) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.

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  (612): Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up. http://tfl.nu/k33q
  Replies (3) Good night (1574) Bad night (361) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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  (406): I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself http://tfl.nu/7ngm
  Replies (13) Good night (2246) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.

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  (816): Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks. http://tfl.nu/88uh
  Replies (20) Good night (1781) Bad night (495) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?

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  (631): We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge? http://tfl.nu/xnes
  Replies (10) Good night (2025) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".

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  (613): You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast". http://tfl.nu/iqmw
  Replies (11) Good night (2276) Bad night (419) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

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  (+44): She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there http://tfl.nu/j1ap
  Replies (6) Good night (1918) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.

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  (801): He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me. http://tfl.nu/il2t
  Replies (8) Good night (2108) Bad night (453) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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  (860): My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church. (1-860): I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life. http://tfl.nu/n824
  Replies (4) Good night (1950) Bad night (365) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  You pretty much isn't said it

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Those words don't go together.

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  (954): You pretty much isn't said it (404): Those words don't go together. http://tfl.nu/8gl1
  Replies (7) Good night (2118) Bad night (539)
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  (831): View more from California

  I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.

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  (831): I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick. http://tfl.nu/d0cr
  Replies (7) Good night (1444) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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  (860): Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now. http://tfl.nu/0rnz
  Replies (4) Good night (2610) Bad night (445)
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  (626): View more from California

  So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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  (626): So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential. http://tfl.nu/3n2i
  Replies (5) Good night (2582) Bad night (465)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...

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  (503): So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address... http://tfl.nu/a3xh
  Replies (7) Good night (1625) Bad night (332) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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  (602): Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk. http://tfl.nu/8anb
  Replies (11) Good night (2786) Bad night (572) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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  (949): Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me. http://tfl.nu/lccl
  Replies (3) Good night (2181) Bad night (412) Order T-Shirt
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  (525): View more from

  It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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  (525): It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am? http://tfl.nu/0yre
  Replies (14) Good night (3411) Bad night (551) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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  (202): He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message. http://tfl.nu/bw67
  Replies (10) Good night (1533) Bad night (818)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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  (859): When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs" http://tfl.nu/jaco
  Replies (6) Good night (2722) Bad night (1113) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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  (619): Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by... http://tfl.nu/g8gw
  Replies (9) Good night (3553) Bad night (574)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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  (734): Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters..... http://tfl.nu/8dbk
  Replies (5) Good night (1683) Bad night (525)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought

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  (914): Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought http://tfl.nu/0bwp
  Replies (9) Good night (1277) Bad night (473) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.

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  (417): Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently. http://tfl.nu/jfkc
  Replies (11) Good night (2160) Bad night (447) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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  (623): Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice. (1-623): That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me http://tfl.nu/ei2r
  Replies (8) Good night (2560) Bad night (478)
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

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  (479): My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day. http://tfl.nu/2m2t
  Replies (13) Good night (2510) Bad night (490) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.

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  (402): The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms. http://tfl.nu/7exr
  Replies (9) Good night (1580) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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  (616): At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head http://tfl.nu/if7o
  Replies (4) Good night (1465) Bad night (471) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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  (617): A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously http://tfl.nu/7jfj
  Replies (4) Good night (2522) Bad night (426)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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  (417): Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink. http://tfl.nu/412l
  Replies (5) Good night (1851) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I love you more with every blowjob.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  You should write for Hallmark.

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  (202): I love you more with every blowjob. (1-202): You should write for Hallmark. http://tfl.nu/2s1x
  Replies (8) Good night (2973) Bad night (476) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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  (425): I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help. (1-425): I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity. http://tfl.nu/3ise
  Replies (4) Good night (1410) Bad night (511)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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  (775): If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you. http://tfl.nu/tyav
  Replies (4) Good night (1427) Bad night (509) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

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  (773): I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal. (708): Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks. http://tfl.nu/2r2v
  Replies (9) Good night (1637) Bad night (608)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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  (860): I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off. http://tfl.nu/qi2a
  Replies (16) Good night (1860) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.

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  (248): Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation. http://tfl.nu/xu6p
  Replies (6) Good night (1951) Bad night (520)
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?

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  (712): You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you? http://tfl.nu/pa4x
  Replies (11) Good night (570) Bad night (1619) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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  (770): Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers. (504): A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome. http://tfl.nu/wa4b
  Replies (4) Good night (2016) Bad night (509)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.

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  (856): When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'. http://tfl.nu/va9k
  Replies (8) Good night (1391) Bad night (904) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

  (913): View more from Kansas

  1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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  (913): How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways. (913): 1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me http://tfl.nu/tb9a
  Replies (12) Good night (3235) Bad night (553)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work

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  (705): You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work http://tfl.nu/80dk
  Replies (5) Good night (1933) Bad night (588) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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  (303): Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night? http://tfl.nu/dyw8
  Replies (11) Good night (1963) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.

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  (352): She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look. http://tfl.nu/0p9m
  Replies (5) Good night (553) Bad night (1448) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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  (715): I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME? http://tfl.nu/q3mm
  Replies (12) Good night (2059) Bad night (544)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.

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  (856): two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets. http://tfl.nu/gsqf
  Replies (4) Good night (434) Bad night (1620) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.

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  (570): Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer. http://tfl.nu/iju5
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  (518): View more from New York

  Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

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  (518): Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved. http://tfl.nu/9gud
  Replies (7) Good night (1718) Bad night (480) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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  (509): you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever. http://tfl.nu/fzjz
  Replies (10) Good night (635) Bad night (2180)