Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I want leopard sheets
thats the plan
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Wat do u mean how?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm retarded. Again.
it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I'm jealous of your bromance
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Christians are straight up FREAKS
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Don't you send me to vm
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
with your own penis?
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold