hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Drunk is not a location!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
